I'm NOT Sorry

Why is it that some people are prone to such self consciousness that they feel a compulsion to take responsibility for things which they do not own? Such is the case for myself. Waters stir, rivers roar, children grow, and I apologize.

Are you feeling blue? Are my concepts too difficult? Do I call too often? Are my struggles too much for you?

Today, I called my endocrine doctor because of some issues that I have been having. And of course, after I called, I thought, "Should I have called? Was it necessary? Was it reasonable? Was it bothersome?" But, when dysautonomics are concerned, all manner of havoc happens on frequent bases--and, I did in fact need to call.

This morning after about 5 am, I dreamed a wonderful dream. It started out as a familiar real-life situation. I was on a cold concrete floor feeling very ill. Bill, my one-and-only man, was next to me holding me. The feeling of fear and uncertainty hung over me as I waited. I just waited there on the floor. Then, in came my doctor. He was calm and reassuring. "Everything will be alright, Anne. Hold on. I'll help you find the answer. We'll find it together. Just hang on. Everything is fine." ...then I woke up.

What I lack in life is the reassurance that everything will be fine. Because, it won't be. Bad things happen over and over--especially when I anticipate the best of results. That is just a part of life.

What is my comfort? In life and death, I am my Lord's, bought, body and soul. He has claimed me and I am His. I look forward to the next life. A moment of joy or happiness should be viewed as a moment of eternity stolen into the present. I don't deserve to have such rare jewels. I think I would be far happier if I always anticipated the worst and then found that some good things happen occasionally. For some, life is one bliss after another. For others, it is a raging torrent of struggle, one after another, often of different textures. But, it is no less the life that one was meant to have.

Sometimes, beauty lies in the bluest sky of a summer evening. But sometimes, beauty lies in the deepest gray and the fiercest furry of lightening. Both are beautiful though dichotic in nature.

If I am the lightening, or the deepest gray--I cannot envy the blue, nor can I be sorry that I am not the blue. I simply am not.

I am not sorry. If this is life, this is what it is. Doesn't it feel good to say, "I'm not sorry?" It resonates because it is true. We need to stop taking responsibility for things which we do not own and only for things that we do.